Motherhood is lonely: why new parents feel isolated and what helps

Why does motherhood feel so lonely?

You can be with your baby every minute and still feel alone. Babies need constant care but cannot talk back, and your old routines, work friendships and evenings out may stop all at once. The NHS Every Mind Matters service names staying at home to look after a newborn as one of the life changes that can lead to loneliness.

Loving your baby and feeling lonely can sit side by side. The WHO lists low social support as one of the factors that raise the risk of mental health problems around pregnancy and birth, so staying connected matters for you, not only for your baby.

Why does postpartum loneliness affect partners and dads too?

Loneliness after a baby is not only a mum's experience. The NHS says dads and partners can become depressed after a birth too, so it is worth checking in with each other, not just with the baby.

Why does everyone else seem to have it together?

Mostly because you only see the outside. The NHS advises against comparing yourself with others, because people often share only their best moments, especially on social media. A tidy photo at a baby class does not show the 4am wake-ups, the tears in the car or the meals eaten standing up.

Many parents who look calm feel exactly like you.

What helps with loneliness as a new parent

Small, regular contact often helps more than waiting for energy for something big. These ideas come from NHS advice on loneliness and postnatal depression.

• Keep in touch with friends and family, even with a short message or group chat
• Try a local parent and baby group or support group
• Talk about how you feel with someone you trust
• Get outside for a short daily walk or some exercise if you can
• Get as much sleep and rest as you can
• Look for free or low-cost local events and invite someone along

Baby blues or postnatal depression: what is the difference?

The baby blues means a few days of feeling tearful, on edge or short-tempered soon after the birth. The NHS says lots of parents have them and they normally lift within 2 weeks. Postnatal depression goes on for longer, and it can begin in pregnancy, in the first weeks or at any point in the first year. Signs the NHS describes include:

• A mood that stays low, or losing pleasure in things
• Feeling overwhelmed or without hope
• Blaming yourself, feeling worthless or believing you are failing as a parent
• Worry, fear or anxiety that rarely lets up
• Struggling to sleep even when there is a chance to rest
• Finding it hard to feel close to your baby
• Thinking about ending your life, or about hurting yourself or your baby

When to get help for loneliness or low mood

If postnatal depression could be what you are going through, speak to your GP, midwife or health visitor, even if only a few of the signs fit. In England, people aged 18 and over (16 and over in some places) can also contact NHS talking therapies directly, with no need to see a GP first. The NHS says most people recover within 3 to 6 months, though for some it takes much longer, and treatment improves the chances of getting better.

Some parents worry that asking for help means their baby will be taken away. The NHS says this is very rare.

If you cannot cope, or you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby, get help straight away rather than waiting. If you think you might not be able to keep yourself or another person safe, phone 999 or go to A&E now (or use your local emergency number). In England, NHS 111 gives urgent mental health help: call and choose the mental health option. Samaritans are also there to listen on 116 123.